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15:46:29 - 03/20/2010
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daddio
Dodge Dakota
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10/15/2009
11:02:02
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 Subject: Have a laugh
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he
thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in
his rear view mirror, he saw a State-Trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and the siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 15
minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused then
said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State-Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, you have a good day.
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Bucket
GenII
10/15/2009
13:02:47
| RE: Have a laugh
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That WAS a good laugh. try this one daddio...modified just for you...
"The Muslim Quarterback"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the
great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the
young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says, "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to New Orleans !"
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daddio
Dodge Dakota
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10/15/2009
13:19:28
| RE: Have a laugh
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Man, I've heard it's pretty bad down there in some parts but I had no idea it was that bad.
By the way, Giant fans, I think your guys will be in for the fight of the season come Sunday 10/18/09 @ noon. I know I'll be watching.
GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!!!!!
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/16/2009
02:33:32
| RE: Have a laugh
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I have heard that before and it was oakland,
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Bucket
GenII
10/16/2009
10:07:45
| RE: Have a laugh
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when it was sent to me it was Detroit.
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/17/2009
18:32:15
| RE: Have a laugh
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That will be the game of the week Daddio!
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/17/2009
22:55:41
| RE: Have a laugh
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John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets" and eight or ten
roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records
and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was
replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster
was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this
particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a- ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement,
Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on
a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of
Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an
overnight sensation among the judges. The result... The judges not
only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him
the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the
making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention?
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/18/2009
18:34:35
| RE: Have a laugh
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A professor at the University of Georgia was giving
A lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many
People here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands..
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
Believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen
A ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
Seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
Further... Have any of you ever made love to a
Ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son,
All the years I've been giving this lecture, no one
Has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
Experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
Grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have seks
With a ghost?'
Bubba replied:
"Shiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said 'goats' !"
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kawalski
Dodge Dakota
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10/18/2009
21:38:38
| RE: Have a laugh
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nigga please!
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daddio
Dodge Dakota
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10/19/2009
17:53:30
| RE: Have a laugh
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This years paticipants from the shallow end of the gene pool.
The Darwin Awards - 2009
It's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during
a hold-up in Long Beach California, would-be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and
after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. 'Understandably', he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the
20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo
had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby
bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of
cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The
liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended
the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a
very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....
unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost
friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember..... They walk among us.***
|
The Truth
Dodge Dakota
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10/19/2009
21:48:35
| RE: Have a laugh
IP: Logged
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Kowalski and his family listed above.
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HMMMMMMMM
Dodge Dakota
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10/20/2009
15:04:01
|  RE: Have a laugh
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You mean Gerrick Doherty? You think he'll ever get an acting part in a movie with his 4th cousin Shannen?
And hey! Thats a great idea for a movie above so know we can start with a script!
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/22/2009
02:41:34
| RE: Have a laugh
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why do the trolls have to ruin everything here?
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/23/2009
11:18:03
| RE: Have a laugh
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why am I a troll?
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/24/2009
20:35:14
| RE: Have a laugh
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that is the funniest one
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/25/2009
00:48:23
| RE: Have a laugh
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Denver craigs list ad. I have a 3 year old Koala Bear named GumNut, that I am desperately trying to find a new home for. I bought him in January figuring it would be an awesome pet that wo9uld enjoy living in my greenhouse, sadly I was wrong. I paid $3200 for him back in January and I am not sure what the used Koala Bear market is like I a good economy or the one we have now; so I am open to offers. Please use some common sense before contacting me, don’t be an idiot, I am not interested in trading my Koala Bear for your busted up 1980’s Camero, pictures of your naked wife, or an offer to paint my garage door.
GumNut’s stats:
The GOOD:
1. He is somewhat housebroken, uses a cat box most of the time.
2. For the most part he is very quite; this also falls into the bad category which we will touch on a in a moment.
3. He eats spiders, (not kidding) we haven’t had a spider in our house since we got him.
4. He hates watching Desperate Housewives, used to be my wife’s favorite show until GumNut bit her for changing the channel from Jeopardy, to Desperate Housewives.
5. Gets along well with one of my two dogs.
6. Loves to go for car rides.
Now for the BAD:
1. He eats a lot of eucalyptus, which is not as cheap as I expected.
2. Apparently eucalyptus I like a drug for Koala Bears, when GunNut is coming down from his high he becomes very violent and aggressive.
3. He raped and killed my wife’s cat “Miss Kitty” (Honestly, I wanted to put this in the good section because I’ve been trying to find a way to get that worthless cat out of the house for two years, thanks GumNut.)
4. He does not like Asian’s, I have no idea where this Koala was raised but someone of Asian Decent must have really mistreated him.
5. Loves Vin Diesel movies, not sure why, he just does.
6. He has extremely sharp claws and teeth which he uses often.
7. Loves shiny objects, steals and hides them frequently in my dog’s rear end.
8. He is quite, and as a result has snuck in on my wife and I during intimate moments. I mind him watching; maybe it wont’ bother you as much.
9. GumNut smells terrible and is not easy to wash. I had to hold a gas soaked rag over his mouth till he blacked out to get him in this tub for a bath.
10. Once he is in the water he is fine, getting him into the water IS the challenge, he will scratch you, he will bite you, and you will bleed.
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Kawalski
Dodge Dakota
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10/25/2009
14:34:52
| RE: Have a laugh
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^^^^^^^^Idiot alert^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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ecdak
Dodge Dakota
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10/29/2009
09:22:39
| RE: Have a laugh
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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STS
Dodge Dakota
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11/19/2009
13:19:01
| RE: Have a laugh
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I'm going to have lunch. Who's wants stuffed pepper's!
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point
Dodge Dakota
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11/21/2009
10:21:29
| RE: Have a laugh
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It was so cold, the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets..
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Bucket
GenII
11/24/2009
16:50:24
| RE: Have a laugh
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Louisiana Cajun
A Louisiana Cajun was stopped by a game warden because
he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a
bayou, well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those
fish?' 'Nawsir', replied the cajun.
'I ain't got none of dem dere licenses. You
gotta unnerstan', dese here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let 'em
swim 'round for 'while. Den, when I whistle,
dey jump right back into des here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do
that...'
The cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said,
'It's de
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It
really works.'
'O. K..', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and
waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the cajun.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them
back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the cajun.
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